It's Thursday night, and time for Five Minute Friday! I am so happy I decided to follow Kate and the FMF "Free Writes" for the 31 Day challenge; and tonight we have another of the top 5 Reader's Choice words...
So, today's word is:
Some days, the JOY is there; as I step out of bed to start the day, I feel rested and ready for whatever comes.
The "whatever" comes...
and snatches away my joy!
- in a sharp tone - because he didn't hear me; or "thought" he heard something else - something that he perceives as negative or against whatever he thought the answer should have been.
- in an ugly remark about...well, someone I love! - because it makes me angry for him to talk ugly against people I love; and I lash out with ugly remarks of my own.
- in a non-conversation - because he doesn't listen to anything I have to say. Our "conversations" are usually all one-sided; him.
- in a confrontation with a neighbor - because he "thought" they were being ugly to him; but it was, in fact, his being ugly to them! And, this time, I was present to see the confrontation; and to realize how right I was to "assume" this was the reason he always had negative things to say about many of the people he encounters when walking. He is not hearing what they are saying to him; therefore, he assumes it is negative...just as he does with me.
There are reasons for this behavior; I fear it is his dementia - the vascular dementia he was diagnosed with years ago, becoming worse and perhaps into something more...Alzheimer's disease.
These are just a few examples of ways "he" snatches away my JOY! These are examples of why I fear the unknown - the further diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease.
Shouldn't I be in control of my own feelings? My own reactions and actions?
Am I not able to feel joy...be joyful?!
...in spite of how he treats me?
Well, I can't just ignore it! I can't "pretend" it doesn't hurt - because it does! Whenever I am home, and he's around, I stay busy; I am usually on the computer writing - or reading, lost in someone else's journey or story or even some inspirational post that touches just where it needs to touch!
I let him take his walks and wander the apartment complex, talking to people who are also out walking their dogs, or just walking. How does he react to their conversations? I wonder this all the time?!
I can write my heart out and tune out a lot...but when I get tired or just hurt from his words...it's hard to tune out; it's hard to ignore. It is just hard!
But...there is JOY in my life! And I seek it as often as I possibly can...
I "escape" as often as I can, and seek that JOY!
And I let the tears flow as I cry out to God in the night, as I lie in bed attempting to sleep...
Found on Pinterest
Shared by flickr.com
And I continue to search for those little bits of joy that are found!
This is Day 23 of "31 Days of Free Writes", linking up with Kate Motaung and the Five Minute Friday group. Check out all of my "Free Write" posts in this series here. For more information on the "Write31Days" challenge, click here.