Day 21 - Dark Times

Crazy – Crazy Day – Crazy Life… well, just plain CRAZY!  My shoulders are bending lower and lower – under the burdens that just keep coming!  I am really not sure how much more I can take.  I am just totally falling apart!  That night was the lowest he has made me feel in a long time – HE makes me feel this way?  I don’t know; but it is how I feel when he acts the way he does – belittling me; yelling at me…I’ve shared all of this before.  But…well, that night was the lowest!  I cried more than I had in a long while!

I must add here that during this journey with my husband and his health, I was also dealing with issues of my own – my health; work environment and job changes; constantly changing family make–up (children coming back home or leaving again; our youngest daughter leaving for college; my mother moving in with us – first to help us out financially (husband’s job had gone from full time to part time just after we moved into the house we bought!); then she had health issues of her own and eventually landed in a nursing home…and all the while, I was trying to deal with how my husband was treating me and our family members, as well as his health.

So, at the lowest point in all of this mess, I found myself crying out to God!  Yes, I had prayed before; but for what?  Did my prayers help – or work?  I don’t know…but I did know I was tired of being treated the way I was, and seeing how he was treating other family members; and I was just plain tired!  I cried out to God that I was ready to – well, go HOME – you know, as in HOME TO GOD… I know that’s no way out of this situation or any other, for that matter; but I just felt as if I couldn’t take it anymore!  I just felt like I was at the end of my rope…

I hesitate to even bring up this next memory – or dark time?!  But, there was another time I felt like totally giving up.  It was many years ago when my first husband and I were going through a rough time.  I was torn between leaving him, or trying to work things out.  My husband was stationed out of the country with the U. S. Army and we were not able to accompany him.  I was living with my parents along with my two small children, ages almost 2 and a few months old.  My brother and sister-in-law invited us to spend a few months with them for a “change of scenery”; so I went!  While they worked each day, I was “stuck” at the house with two small children – all by myself, and no way to get around.  I had no friends or church family nearby; and I was just plain lonely and depressed!

What did I do?  Well, not really thinking clearly, I could only think of one thing to do - end it all!  So, I swallowed a partial bottle of aspirin - and succeeded in getting violently sick; but that was ALL!  My brother and sister-in-law thought I was sick with the flu or something.  I don’t think I ever shared with them what had happened; or maybe I did – but the next day they helped me get an appointment with a chaplain and took me to that appointment.  It was very helpful to talk with someone, and he helped me make some decisions that needed to be made!

Now, I don’t want to make light of these feelings I was having, OR presume to compare this dark time in my life to anything that others may be going through.  I am sure at the time I really did not want to end my life – WOW!  That is the first time I actually said that: “end my life.”  But as I look back on that time, I just wasn’t sure what to do, and really didn’t want to do what I thought I should do (divorce my husband!).  Now, let me add that there was a lot more to our relationship than his being gone and my being lonely (and depressed); but that is not the story I am telling here).

So now many years later, as I look back to that time, I really feel I was suffering from postpartum depression (PPD); my daughter was less than six months old.  PPD is:

·  Depression within 1 year of childbirth may be PPD

·  Symptoms for 14 days or more may be PPD

·  About 10-15% of women experience postpartum depression

(For more information about Postpartum Depression - PPD - click here )

So, having these feelings of wanting to “go Home” or “end my life” come back again – well, I just wasn’t sure what I was going to do to get through it this time either.  I knew it could not be PPD!  But I was in another situation where I did not think, at first, that I had anywhere to turn or any way out.  But... then I remembered how helpful it was when I went to the chaplain so many years ago; and I made an appointment to talk with a counselor. 

This time I was part of a Church family and had Faith that God would give me the strength, courage, and whatever else it took to get through these Dark Times.  I also had family and friends who understood and who would listen anytime I needed to “unload”.

And the Dark Times became easier to bear, thanks to those that were around to help!  And, thanks to God who was IS a constant companion along the journey!

During these Dark Times, I also learned that my new role was that of Caregiver.  I really did not know what being a caregiver really meant!  A caregiver?  Is that really the role I found myself in?!  Yes, it would seem I am – and I’ll go into some ways to “Care for the Caregiver” in a future blog.