Day 24 - How Caring for Others Affects YOU

The Caregiver Space

What exactly is a Caregiver?  Let’s take a quick look at the definition from a couple of different sources:

 Miller-Keane Encyclopedia and Dictionary of Medicine, Nursing, and Allied Health, Seventh Edition. © 2003 by Saunders, an imprint of Elsevier, Inc. All rights reserved. Click here to go to Miller-Keane.

"A lay individual who assumes responsibility for the physical and emotional needs of another who is incapable of self-care."


Modern Language Association (MLA): "caregiver.:  Dictionary.com Unabridged.  Random House, Inc. 23 Oct. 2014. Click here to go to Dictionary.com.

1.  "A person who cares for someone who is sick or disabled."
2.  "An adult who cares for an infant or child."

It is rather comical, I think, that the second definition indicates caring for an infant or child! Some days I feel as if I am caring for a 75-year old "toddler" ... and perhaps the person we are caring for is more childish than adult-ish in their actions!

As a caregiver we may experience many emotions, including (but not limited to) anger, guilt, discouragement, loneliness, sadness, frustration, depression, etc.  Each person's situation is different; some may have these feelings while others may not, and they may come in varying degrees at different times.

Our feelings may become mixed as to how we really feel about the person with dementia, or whatever their disease may be.  Many times I find myself wondering, "Why did I marry this person?" or "Do I still even love him?" or even "Why can't I find happiness in my life?"

We may also worry about what other people may think of our situation.  Others just don't understand it like you do, do they?  I have shared some of our "incidents"  with others who would look puzzled - they just don't "get it"!  Or they respond with "Oh, yeah.  My husband has selective hearing, too - (ha-ha)" when my husband has a real hearing problem!  It just seems so - like nothing is really wrong - right?!  But you know there really is something wrong!

There may be times when you are so embarrassed by the person you are caring for... that you just want to run away and hide!  My husband can act so much like a child, especially in the grocery store (see my reference above to my "75-year old 'toddler'") when he keeps wanting to add stuff to the cart - cookies and pies and munchies; not real food!  And, he usually just makes a face, fusses a bit - and then goes on as if nothing had happened.

I am not worried about what others may think anyway!  I know what the situation is and I am handling it as best as I know how!  I have let our neighbors know that my husband has a hearing problem as well as dementia and problems with his memory so they are aware of the issues that may appear "odd".  In most cases, they had already figure it out.

Now, if you are a "believer" - a religious person, or whatever word you put to your faith - there may be feelings of anger at God for allowing such a thing to happen.  "Why, God?  Why me?  Why us?"

These words from Psalm 22:1-2 let us know we are not alone in our cries to God:  "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?  Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?  O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, and am not silent."  Not only did David the psalmist cry out to God, but these very words were spoken by Jesus as he was hanging on the cross.

My friends, these feelings are normal and you should not let anyone make you feel guilty for your feelings.  But do not hold them inside!  Talk honestly with your minister, priest, or rabbi, or even a professional counselor to share your feelings.

There are also online resources, if you prefer to share anonymously...just share those feelings - and don't try to do everything on your own!  Tomorrow I will give some basics in "Caring for the Caregiver - YOU".