Saturday, October 11, 2014

Day 10 - Ups and Downs

The past few days’ posts have been pretty technical, haven’t they?!  So, I decided I needed a break from what I’d found out about the disease(s) – aren’t you glad! - and just write!  So, today and this weekend will be a little less technical!  Hope you enjoy what I’ll share!  It’s written personally - from the heart…

Ups and downs – good days and bad days.  Never sure how it will be!  What triggers good versus bad -why do things blow up over (seemingly) nothing!  A pretty decent conversation – turns into a battle; but why?  What is it that sets him off and starts the yelling?

I need to clear my head a little; figure out why I keep going; why I keep hanging on – to what?  To hope?  To change?  To…I don’t know!  I need to figure out HOW I can keep going with the uncertain atmosphere at home.

I know my life is great compared to others; but I also feel it could be better.  My life – maybe that’s part of the key!  It really isn’t just my life anymore…I am sharing it with one who is living with a disease that he cannot control; and most of the time, doesn’t even know or remember that he has acted in the ways I describe.

I need to find within myself what it is that keeps me going… I will share at this point that there were times when I wasn’t sure if I even LOVED my husband anymore.  All of those uncertainties came from not knowing if my husband’s personality or the disease were what was causing all of these outbursts.

So, I stayed – I kept hanging on to what I had and what I hoped would change and become a wonderful life, as I saw others had.  And I continued to reach out more to the one source where I KNEW I could get all the help I needed!  Through prayer and more prayer, I knew that HE would not let me down!!

The feelings I am expressing are not unusual in dealing with a person with dementia.  In a later post, I’ll share some of the characteristics or behaviors associated with one who has dementia.  And, at some point, will share some information that may help those who are caregivers.


  1. Anything can cause a trigger. Sound, smell, something seen, something touched, anything! As stated before, you must remember it's the disease and not the actual person, but at the same time charish those "normal" moments.

    1. Thank you, Michael, for your comment. It sounds as if you are a professional and KNOW about this stuff; or you are also dealing with it in your life! I do realize it is the disease; but am sharing my writing from what doubts and confusion I went through - working my way through what was happening. I plan to share information in a later post about the characteristics and behaviors associated with dementia. Appreciate your comments - and that you are reading what I have written! (This is my first time to share anything like this personal journey on a public blog!).

  2. I love the Many Hale quote. It took a while for me to get to this point in my role as my mom's caregiver. I had so much resistance and some resentment for this journey. God has helped me so much over the past year in accepting that this is where we are and in trusting that he does still care. It is hard to love unconditionally some days and it hurts when it feels like they don't love you, but I remind myself that it is the disease talking and not my mom. Because on other days she is so loving and accepting.

    1. Glad you stopped by...I am having a hard time myself accepting how things are with us...we have been married for 31 years; and in the early days, it was great! Of course, there is a story there as well - but, as time went on, and things got worse, there were times I wanted to LEAVE him. But deep inside, I KNEW he was "sick" and really needed me. Then I'd say that to someone and it would sound kind of - egotistical? You know, like I was putting HIM down and building myself up. (You can tell I need to write tonight; and what you wrote helped me to know that others DO understand...and I DO KNOW that it is the disease and not him!!! Thanks again for continuing to read and comment!


Thank you for stopping by to read my post today! I appreciate your reading and commenting - your comments are a welcome encouragement for me to continue one of my favorite things - writing!

You are special to me; and your words help in more ways than I can number...Thank you just isn't enough!