Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Day 21 - Dark Times


CrazyCrazy DayCrazy Life… well, just plain CRAZY!  My shoulders are bending lower and lower – under the burdens that just keep coming!  I am really not sure how much more I can take.  I am just totally falling apart!  That night was the lowest he has made me feel in a long time – HE makes me feel this way?  I don’t know; but it is how I feel when he acts the way he does – belittling me; yelling at me…I’ve shared all of this before.  But…well, that night was the lowest!  I cried more than I had in a long while!

I must add here that during this journey with my husband and his health, I was also dealing with issues of my own – my health; work environment and job changes; constantly changing family make–up (children coming back home or leaving again; our youngest daughter leaving for college; my mother moving in with us – first to help us out financially (husband’s job had gone from full time to part time just after we moved into the house we bought!); then she had health issues of her own and eventually landed in a nursing home…and all the while, I was trying to deal with how my husband was treating me and our family members, as well as his health.

So, at the lowest point in all of this mess, I found myself crying out to God!  Yes, I had prayed before; but for what?  Did my prayers help – or work?  I don’t know…but I did know I was tired of being treated the way I was, and seeing how he was treating other family members; and I was just plain tired!  I cried out to God that I was ready to – well, go HOME – you know, as in HOME TO GOD… I know that’s no way out of this situation or any other, for that matter; but I just felt as if I couldn’t take it anymore!  I just felt like I was at the end of my rope…




I hesitate to even bring up this next memory – or dark time?!  But, there was another time I felt like totally giving up.  It was many years ago when my first husband and I were going through a rough time.  I was torn between leaving him, or trying to work things out.  My husband was stationed out of the country with the U. S. Army and we were not able to accompany him.  I was living with my parents along with my two small children, ages almost 2 and a few months old.  My brother and sister-in-law invited us to spend a few months with them for a “change of scenery”; so I went!  While they worked each day, I was “stuck” at the house with two small children – all by myself, and no way to get around.  I had no friends or church family nearby; and I was just plain lonely and depressed!

What did I do?  Well, not really thinking clearly, I could only think of one thing to do - end it all!  So, I swallowed a partial bottle of aspirin - and succeeded in getting violently sick; but that was ALL!  My brother and sister-in-law thought I was sick with the flu or something.  I don’t think I ever shared with them what had happened; or maybe I did – but the next day they helped me get an appointment with a chaplain and took me to that appointment.  It was very helpful to talk with someone, and he helped me make some decisions that needed to be made!

Now, I don’t want to make light of these feelings I was having, OR presume to compare this dark time in my life to anything that others may be going through.  I am sure at the time I really did not want to end my life – WOW!  That is the first time I actually said that: “end my life.”  But as I look back on that time, I just wasn’t sure what to do, and really didn’t want to do what I thought I should do (divorce my husband!).  Now, let me add that there was a lot more to our relationship than his being gone and my being lonely (and depressed); but that is not the story I am telling here).

So now many years later, as I look back to that time, I really feel I was suffering from postpartum depression (PPD); my daughter was less than six months old.  PPD is:

·  Depression within 1 year of childbirth may be PPD
·  Symptoms for 14 days or more may be PPD
·  About 10-15% of women experience postpartum depression

(For more information about Postpartum Depression - PPD - click here )


So, having these feelings of wanting to “go Home” or “end my life” come back again – well, I just wasn’t sure what I was going to do to get through it this time either.  I knew it could not be PPD!  But I was in another situation where I did not think, at first, that I had anywhere to turn or any way out.  But... then I remembered how helpful it was when I went to the chaplain so many years ago; and I made an appointment to talk with a counselor. 

This time I was part of a Church family and had Faith that God would give me the strength, courage, and whatever else it took to get through these Dark Times.  I also had family and friends who understood and who would listen anytime I needed to “unload”.



And the Dark Times became easier to bear, thanks to those that were around to help!  And, thanks to God who was IS a constant companion along the journey!

During these Dark Times, I also learned that my new role was that of Caregiver.  I really did not know what being a caregiver really meant!  A caregiver?  Is that really the role I found myself in?!  Yes, it would seem I am – and I’ll go into some ways to “Care for the Caregiver” in a future blog.

18 comments:

  1. I'm so glad that you've found help and hope. As a recovering caregiver (my husband had a catastrophic bout with cancer about 12 years ago), I know exactly how it feels to feel like something is desperately wrong but unable to figure out WHY I felt the way I did--I later discovered that I suffered many of the same signs as someone with PTSD.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! It's been a long hard journey; and we are still traveling it...but knowing more about it all helps a lot; and having family and friends (and even fellow bloggers!) has been a really big help!

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  2. I love your second graphic there. I am so very glad you found God's grace and help and strength and the support of other believers. Being a caregiver is HARD even in the best of circumstances. When there is belittlement or abuse involved, the weight is hardest of all, I think, even when it is the disease talking.

    You might be interested in another blog I've been reading for years called Jesus and Dark Chocolate at http://samismom22.wordpress.com/ The author's husband contracted early onset Alzheimer's I think in his 40s, and his decline has been so sad. She writes honestly about the strain it has put on their lives, and I think you'd find a kindred spirit there.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and commenting...it IS hard and sharing these past 21 days has been helpful. I take what others have said and absorb it and am encouraged to continue (the blog as well as the journey!). I think I may have stumbled upon the Jesus and Dark chocolate..but will check it out in case it was another blot. thanks again!

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  3. You have been through so much. I for one am glad that all that happened was violent illness, because if not, you wouldn't have been able to write this, and encourage me, and so many others. Thank you for being so transparent, and showing us that it gets better, especially when you hang on to the Lord. *hugs* When my mom was alive, I was her caregiver, and it was difficult. Now, I have MS and my sister is my caregiver. I can still walk a bit, but not nearly as much as I would like to. It is very difficult on this side at times too. Oh well, God knows - and He cares. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for being a caregiver!

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    1. Thank you so much...you made me cry!! Today's post has really been hard for me - and I KNOW the consequences of what I originally started to do would have been devastating to so many people...and I would not be here for YOU; but, I would not be here for my 2 children - and my 2nd husband and daughter - and my grandchildren - and my brothers...oh, my!!! That just makes me SAD!! But it makes me happy that I have somehow reached out to you and to others - and so many have been really encouraging and that helps keep me going as well! I hope this all makes sense because I am TIRED and CRYING and you have touched me...thank you so much for your kind words!! God Bless You and your sister in your roles!!

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  4. wow, feeling so tender towards you & you are so BRAVE! I admire you for writing this.

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    1. Thank you Shellie! I am still recovering from crying over the comment above yours!! It has been hard and I appreciate all the comments and the encouragement. As a new blogger, I wasn't even sure if what I had to say would be worth while to anyone; but found that to be a wrong thought - it's been helpful to me; but others also! Thanks for reading - this was one of my longest! I am working on a couple of poems for tomorrow...brain-dead and tired right now!

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  5. So sorry for all that you have gone through. Hoping you will find that God redeems it all & uses it to help others on the same hard path. May our God continue to keep you strong & get you through, one day at a time. Blessings!

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    1. Thank you for reading and commenting! I know that God will continue to keep me strong and will take it one day at a time...the journey continues and He will see us through. Everyone on the 31 dayers FB page has been really encouraging and helpful, even if they don't really know they are!

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    1. Thank you! This one was hard to write; I think the rest should be easier...appreciate your continued following and comments!

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  7. I've not wanted to end my life that I can remember. But I have definitely cried out to God more than once. Why us? Why our family? etc.

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    1. We do call out to God and not necessarily to end our life...I thank God that I did not succeed...and have used that time to know where to go for help this time...God is good; he has plans for my life and others. I appreciate your reading and commenting!

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  8. I see some of my own story here, thank you for sharing. I am also seeing the comparison between the feelings of PPD and Caregiving for a husband who is different than he was.

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    1. Thank you for reading and commenting; hoping what I share is helpful in your journey!

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  9. Have you considered going to support groups for a caregiver? I think it might help you a lot

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    1. Thank you...I had looked into it at one time but there wasn't one that was close...I have been looking for one that is either in the day time or not so far away if at night...I'd rather not have to drive too far in the dark by myself!! But, I have considered it. Did you go for support? Did it help you??

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Thank you for stopping by to read my post today! I appreciate your reading and commenting - your comments are a welcome encouragement for me to continue one of my favorite things - writing!

You are special to me; and your words help in more ways than I can number...Thank you just isn't enough!