Saturday, October 24, 2015

Day 23 - 2015 - JOY {FMF}

It's Thursday night, and time for Five Minute Friday!  I am so happy I decided to follow Kate and the FMF "Free Writes" for the 31 Day challenge; and tonight we have another of the top 5 Reader's Choice words...

So, today's word is:


Some days, the JOY is there; as I step out of bed to start the day, I feel rested and ready for whatever comes.

And then...

The "whatever" comes...

and snatches away my joy!

  • in a sharp tone - because he didn't hear me; or "thought" he heard something else - something that he perceives as negative or against whatever he thought the answer should have been.
  • in an ugly remark about...well, someone I love! - because it makes me angry for him to talk ugly against people I love; and I lash out with ugly remarks of my own.
  • in a non-conversation - because he doesn't listen to anything I have to say.  Our "conversations" are usually all one-sided; him.
  • in a confrontation with a neighbor - because he "thought" they were being ugly to him; but it was, in fact, his being ugly to them!  And, this time, I was present to see the confrontation; and to realize how right I was to "assume" this was the reason he always had negative things to say about many of the people he encounters when walking.  He is not hearing what they are saying to him; therefore, he assumes it is negative...just as he does with me.

There are reasons for this behavior; I fear it is his dementia - the vascular dementia he was diagnosed with years ago, becoming worse and perhaps into something more...Alzheimer's disease.

These are just a few examples of ways "he" snatches away my JOY!  These are examples of why I fear the unknown - the further diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease.


Shouldn't I be in control of my own feelings?  My own reactions and actions?

Am I not able to feel joyful?! spite of how he treats me?

Well, I can't just ignore it!  I can't "pretend" it doesn't hurt - because it does!  Whenever I am home, and he's around, I stay busy; I am usually on the computer writing - or reading, lost in someone else's journey or story or even some inspirational post that touches just where it needs to touch!

I let him take his walks and wander the apartment complex, talking to people who are also out walking their dogs, or just walking.  How does he react to their conversations?  I wonder this all the time?!

I can write my heart out and tune out a lot...but when I get tired or just hurt from his's hard to tune out; it's hard to ignore.  It is just hard!

But...there is JOY in my life!  And I seek it as often as I possibly can...

I "escape" as often as I can, and seek that JOY!

And I let the tears flow as I cry out to God in the night, as I lie in bed attempting to sleep...

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And I continue to search for those little bits of joy that are found!

This is Day 23 of "31 Days of Free Writes", linking up with Kate Motaung and the Five Minute Friday group.  Check out all of my "Free Write" posts in this series here.  For more information on the "Write31Days" challenge, click here.


  1. I believe words hurt more than any other weapon someone can use against us. Keep seeking Joy, Barbara, and remember your number 1 Satisfaction Giver is Jesus Christ, not any human being. xo

    1. Yes, Susan, this is so true; this is ALL so true...words DO hurt so much! But, I DO know that my TRUE REAL JOY comes from Jesus Christ; and I keep trying to remember that when these other things happen!

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

  2. This is just so good. I have been letting a certain personal situation rob me of my joy and hope. It's no fun. Your words inspired me today.

    1. Thank you, Karen! I am so happy these words inspired you! I write from my experiences and if even one person is helped or inspired, I feel what I've done is worth it!

      Appreciate your reading and commenting!

  3. And then... The "whatever" comes... and snatches away my joy! <-- that part cracked me up, until I saw the reality of the statement and it broke my heart! Words are so powerful and I know that battling Alzheimers can tend to make one argumentative and, well, mean! Praying for you my friend and so thankful that you know where your Joy comes from, and that His mercy is new every morning!

    1. Karrilee - it is quite OK that the phrase cracked you up! Sometimes that's what helps me to get through a post when it is concerning this situation. Laughter helps bring on the joy; and I do know where to find the joy.

      We don't really have a diagnosis of AD (Alzheimer's disease) at this point; but I (think I) am seeing a shift toward that from the Vascular dementia that we have received (though many years ago)'s something I feel I need to start documenting more, as I did back then; and will also help us to see if that really IS where we are headed...though, from MY perspective, I fear we are!

      Thanks for reading and commenting...

  4. finding you joy makes all the diffference!

    1. Yes, Amanda! I find that joy whenever/wherever I can!

      Thanks for reading and commenting!

  5. You're in my prayers, Barbara. I'm sorry I have not been here as often as I might have wished, but circumstances have made it difficult.

    Nonetheless...thinking of you.

    1. Thinking of you as well, Andrew...I am so far behind on reading your blog - and many others! Hoping to get "caught up" in the next couple of weeks - before I have two busy weekends of two different retreats.

      Thanks for reading and commenting. You are also in my prayers!

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  7. Thank you so much for sharing .... you always write so beautifully in your blog .. you are detailed which is such a great part of being a writer :) thank you for sharing, I always enjoy your blog writings.

    1. Thank you, Karen! That makes me feel my writing is well worth it; that and reading the comments that others' have left. I appreciate your reading and commenting...

  8. Psalm 30:5 is one of my fave verses!

    1. Thanks. Tara...headed to pull out the Bible and read that one now!! Appreciate your reading and commenting.

    2. And of course, I didn't recognize my own image!!! Yes, I love that one, too, and thought of it immediately when I realized where my post was headed...

  9. Oh Barbara, I feel for you as I know what it's like to always be on edge, treading on egg shells. I'm going to send you an email (it upsets me to hear you so hurt). Wishing you well. Helen xx


Thank you for stopping by to read my post today! I appreciate your reading and commenting - your comments are a welcome encouragement for me to continue one of my favorite things - writing!

You are special to me; and your words help in more ways than I can number...Thank you just isn't enough!