FMF - DEAR

I love Thursday evenings when I link up with other bloggers for Five Minute Friday.  Around 10 pm (EST) we receive a one word prompt and write for five minutes - without thinking about it or any editing.  Try it!  I find it challenging and it encourages me to continue writing at other times.

So - today's word is "DEAR" - and the task is to write for five minutes wihtout thinking about it...but, since reading another blogger's post earlier today on the word FEAR from another challenge - Tuesdays @ Ten - I felt the need to share a "letter" that was written 16 years ago after I was attacked.  My therapist suggested I write the letter to my attacker as therapy; so I did.

I will now share excerpts of this letter with you - and apologize for the somber feel it may bring to this holiday season...

Dear - how do I address this letter?  I won't say "Firstname"; that is reserved for friends, and we certainly aren't friends or on a first-name basis.  I won't say "Mr. Lastname"; that is reserved for those we respectfully call "Mr." and that certainly isn't the case.  In fact, the term "Dear" certainly doesn't apply either!  Maybe I should just say, "Hey, You!"  That certainly doesn't show any friendly first-name basis or respect.  Yes, that is what I will do:

Hey, You:

Two years have now gone by since that traumatic afternoon.  I have sometimes thought about what I would say to you, perhaps not in person but in a letter.  I don't really have the words.  Maybe to begin I should just ask, Why?  Why did you feel you had to come into a church, pretend you just wanted to 'earn' some money, ask for a cup of water, and then proceed to beat up a woman, all for nothing?  Or I could say for just 35 cents because that's all the money I had - which by the way, you didn't even take!  All of the credit cards, identification, check-cashing cards, even the video rental cards - they sure couldn't have benefited you in any way.  Was it the drugs or alcohol?  Were you so desperate that you had to resort to such an act of violence?  I know you didn't have any remorse.  Or, how could you have just left me for dead, never giving it a second thought?

No, I didn't die!  I am a survivor!  And, although you drastically changed my life, you didn't take it away!  I refuse to let that traumatic incident ruin the rest of my life.  I may suffer from aches and pains, which may or may not have been as a result of the beating.  But, my life goes on, and will continue to go on, until God himself decides it is time for me to go.

I can only say to you - "I am sorry."  Sorry that you felt your life had brought you down such a road that you had to resort to such violence; and it was not your first time, either.  And it was not your last time, since the very next week you kidnapped a minister and shot someone else in the arm so you could steal his vehicle.  Why didn't you shoot me?  I will never know the answer to that question.  Maybe you did feel bad that you beat up a woman and just couldn't stop yourself.  I can't believe that God makes bad people; I believe that people make bad people, and whatever you went through in life must have really tormented you to bring you to such violence.  I am also sorry that I had to come in your path and be the one to receive such a beating; but I am glad it didn't happen to any number of other people that could have been in that same place.

But, life is going on for me now; and for you, in prison for a very long time, where you belong!  I am not sorry that you were sentenced so heavily; because you have left such a history of violence and that is where you need to be.  Think about it; I do almost every day when I make choices and decisions.  I am certainly more cautious, and don't give it a second thought when I refuse to let someone inside the doors (at the church).  That's what you have made life like for me - and perhaps that is the lesson I have learned from all of this.  But the main lesson learned is recognizing the love and support that I received from so many people.  I knew I was loved and supported and cared for by others; but sometimes we let everyday life overshadow that and we forget.  Forget that we are loved, yes; but forget the traumatic incident?  Perhaps one day I can forget.  The details will get dimmer and dimmer until it has been totally forgotten - but how long before that happens?  (It has been 16 years; and as you can see, I have not forgotten!)

But - Forgive?  Well, I have, in a sense, forgiven you.  I can't go on with it eating away at my insides.  I will not continue to be your victim; I will forgive; I have forgiven - whether or not you are aware of it.  God is aware of it; and He is the one that I answer to; not you.

My life will go on...

This scripture from the Psalms meant a lot to me following this traumatic experience.

Thank you, God, for sparing my life and using me to be an instrument of peace!

I must admit:  I did not adhere to the Five Minutes that we are suppposed to; and, I did do some editing.  There will come a time when I feel it is time to share exactly what happened and some of the FEAR that I dealt with after that attack.  But for now...that will be all - let's get back to some holly jolly fun!  It IS the time of year for that!!