Saturday, January 3, 2015

Forgive Yourself

Today is Friday, January 2nd - the first Friday of the month and time for the first Random Journal Day entry in 2015...Linking up the First Friday of Every Month at Random Journal Day.

I will share these words from several journal entries in September 2010...

That was one of the worst periods of my life!!

September 7, 2010

"Be of good cheer.  Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow.  You have set yourselves a difficult task but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find joy in overcoming obstackes.  remember, no effort that we make to attain somethjing beautiful is ever lost."

These words from Helen Keller were in my Tuesday Message that week; they encouraged me to keep doing the best I could, with the brightest of smiles, even after a trying day - week - month - at work.

Things had gone from bad to worse - to worse ever!

I messed up!  I take full responsibility for the errors I made and accept the consequences...

...being let go!

No more more "last chances."

So, I will persevere - I did the best I could under stressful situations; coming home every night totally exhausted; feet swelling; aching from head to toe...I just didn't know how much longer I was going to be able to make it!

I almost walked out that Wednesday; but my co-worker encouraged me not to - but...

even though I worked as hard as I could, and did the best I could best just wasn't good enough for them.  Instead of helping me to improve and succeed...I was set up for failure -

OK, so I admit it!  I messed up...I take ownership in the fact that I messed up - I made errors - but...well, there are no job, no more -

NOW WHAT?  That's what I need to figure out...

September 10, 2010

So, God is my Capable Father.  He will provide my (our) needs; nothing is impossible - He has "unlimited resources; unlimited energy; unlimited knowledge; unlimited time" - He CAN and WILL supply ALL of my needs - from less stress to a job to financial security, to medical needs, to health, to whatever I need or even want!

He will "take care of yesterday's failures, today's frustrations, and tomorrow's fears because "He is a Capable Father!"  (These references were from daily readings that I received on the computer each day; sometimes they were read in the mornings, before work; but most often were read that evening).

September 11, 2010

This morning I washed my cares down the drain with the soap suds and dirt!

Not that I don't care...but that I know God will take care of me (us); "He is the all-knowing, all-loving caring and Capable Father"who will guide me to His choice for where I'll finish out my days -

what that will be I am not sure; but He knows and will guide me -

September 12, 2010

(The weekend after losing my job, I was scheduled to attend a women's Spiritual Retreat for a Regional Board I served on; that weekend was one of soul-searching and prayer for guidance and...whatever God had for me to learn).

During our time of prayer (that weekend) I asked God to reveal to me what I should be praying for...not what I thought to be the obvious - like a job!

I asked God to help me to know what it is I should be praying for at this time in my life.  As He knows me better than I know myself, He revealed ONE WORD over and over -


What?  What do I need to forgive?!  Who do I need to forgive?!

But, I continued to pray - to listen - and realized I needed to forgive myself for messing up; for putting our family in this position of my unemployment;

But at the same time I need to forgive those I feel "did this to me" because I did this to me - even though nobody is absolutely perfect - except Jesus Christ! job calls for ZERO errors, and even a few may be OK; but my few grew to be more.  I was careless, inaccurate and inefficient.  I put my job in jeopardy - even though I feel I was under more stress...

Anyway, my prayer time with God revealed the need to FORGIVE...

and once I did was able to forgive myself, I felt more at peace...

And during my time in prayer and soul-searching, I realized God had answered my earlier prayers - those I cried out to Him through my tears - on those days I was so tired and hurt all over - saying:

"I don't want to do this anymore" or "I can't do this anymore."

Now I know He will surely see me through the next phase of my life...

January 2, 2015

That was then...

This is now!

And, as I look back on those days - yes, I was devastated to lose my job!  I was almost 60 years old...and I was worn out and stressed out and didn't feel like I'd make it another day!  I did not know what I was going to do; how I was going to find another job - bring in the money needed for us to make it from day to day; month to month.  And...

God answered my prayers!  Yes!  To lose my job!!

Actually, since I had been constantly battling acute bronchitis...coughing and congested and feeling like a much older addition to the stress and over-worked conditions, losing my job was what I needed!  So, I could find something less stressful and less tiring...

Well, needless to say - a lot has happened since September 2010; and that may be for another time or another story...

but, for now - I am retired on disability; living my life just as I love to do: spending time with my daughters and grandchildren; doing my crafts while spending time with friends; participating more in church activities; and just being home and relaxing and enjoying life!

Yes, things get a bit crazy sometimes - and, as I revealed in my 31 Days of Dementia's Demands...I have plenty that occupies my time with a husband who has dementia - that is getting worse; but I know...


And, even though there are still ups and downs, and times when I just don't know if I can continue with this task, I am here to do that which He has placed here to accomplish.  Because I know I am where He wants me to be...

and He will take care of me!

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